words spent – friendly chats and interviews

Tags

chats, friends, friendship, job interviews, quotes, spoken words, words

This week my writing time has been cut down considerably. It’s not that I don’t want to write, nor that I don’t know what to write but other things have been getting in the way. I have spent the best part of the week, so far, by preparing for and going to job interviews and catching up with friends.

We spend so much of our time talking: either explaining things to people, selling our skills to potential employers, describing things we need or even just to share information. And we probably spend nearly as much time wondering whether or not we were understood, or what we could/should have said instead.

When it comes to job interviews, we try to speak clearly, chose our words extra carefully and way what we say. When we sit on that hot seat, trying to sell our skills, and us, with every word we say we can’t help but relive every conversation and ineloquent phrasing.

It’s a bit like those first few conversations with the guy you have a crush on. Every word you stutter, each syllable he utters, is dissected, deconstructed and twisted into a shape we can make sense of – be it it good or not.

But time spent with friends – chatting, laughing, teasing, sharing – is relived not based on the words we shared but on the emotions we felt. In our minds we may recall the conversations and even remember certain phrasings, but it is what we felt that makes us smile, feel nostalgic or warms us from within.

Friendly chats are the best way to spend  – not only our time – but also our words. And only with friends do we know that even the unspoken word can be heard when needed.

One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.

Author Clifton Fadman

wedding woes

Tags

bridezilla, Bryce Courtenay, friends, friendship, pride, quotes, wedding, weddings

After several days of toing and froing, I have finally made the decision of not going to the wedding. It just doesn’t feel right and even though I may lose a friend, I’d rather be true to myself than stick with convention. And yes pride may come before the fall, but allowing people to treat you as they please is not the answer either.

I didn’t make the decision lightly and even wrote an email to the bride trying to explain why I felt I should no longer come and celebrate her big day. I thought, if I gave her all the reasons why I feel the way I do, she may understand and apologize for allowing her bridezilla to take advantage of my niceties.

Sadly that didn’t work out and both my mobile phone and email inbox stayed silent, confirming what I had been thinking all along. So while I hope she has a wonderful time waltzing down the aisle and saying yes to the man she loves I will enjoy a quite day at home, swap my heels for flats and boogie in my living room.

And who knows maybe, when all the the confetti has settled and bridezilla returns back to her normal self, she will find a moment in her busy schedule to answer my mail. However I am not holding my breath and am happy to just be me, maybe a little too proud for my own good but sticking to what I believe to be right.

So, yes my choice may not be the popular one, and maybe most people would decided to give in to convention, but just because everyone does something doesn’t make it right, or at the very least right for you. And just because someone has a reason, no matter how good, to behave badly it still doesn’t mean they should and it definitely doesn’t mean you have to let them get away with it. And if this means I have to cook my own dinner and forgo some dessert it doesn’t really bother me. I am not a fan of weddings and only partake as a gesture of friendship. And since in this case that is no longer desired I think I will enjoy the unexpected time to myself.

Pride is holding your head up when everyone around you has theirs bowed. Courage is what makes you do it. ― Bryce Courtenay

fruitless favours

Tags

bad friends, failed friendship, favours, friends, friendship, girls day

I am having one of those days, my beautiful red polka-dot mug broke, I burnt my toast and set of the smoke alarm, my font-book on my mac is acting up and the-bride-to-be rejected the favour she asked me to do.

Many weeks ago she asked me if I could design the pamphlets for the ceremony and when she sent me the list of songs and order of service that is exactly what I did. We had arranged to meet this morning and go through the pamphlet, make changes if needed so that she could then print and staple them later in the day.

Well, that didn’t happen. I received a text this morning letting me that her husband-to-be had already taken care of it and there was no need now for us to meet up. Basically telling me all my work was for naught, a fruitless favour on my part.

Now, I do understand that getting married is a stressful time but I am so annoyed and feel quite used. What is the point in asking someone to do something if you are going to change your mind at the last minute? These kind of fruitless favours make the person doing the favour feel irrelevant, that their time is not important, nor that their help is. Fruitless favours are a main ingredient to failed friendships.

So with this Saturday starting out on every bad note possible, I can only hope that lunch and the following “girls-day-out” event will change today’s melody, allowing me to enjoy the tune of “Happy Birthday” at a friends party tonight.

Old friend from New Zealand

Tags

baggage, friendship, home, luggage, monty python, new zealand, silly walk

My return to normality has been interrupted by a visit from an old friend from New Zealand. She is going to be in Ireland for the next five weeks and I have the honor of providing shelter and a bed for the first ten days.

Finding a place for anyone to stay for any length of time in my compact little home is a bit of a challenge. It’s not so much the bed, as I do have a spare one in my miniscule study, it’s more the ‘stuff’ that people accumulate around themselves. I am not talking about internal baggage (which we all have in trunk loads) but the things we literally drag around with us. You know those big bulky handbags filled with our everyday necessities, and those tiny little bags we put into our big bags to hold our pens, make-up and other bits and bobs we really need.

I myself have a whole collection of bags in all shapes and sizes and I really don’t mind other people following the trend by surrounding themselves with pieces of their lives. The only problem is when their lives collide with mine.

Whenever this happens their bits and bobs seem to mate with mine and create a whole new array of items that never can find a home. And when your space is a limited as mine that can cause a problem and my home turns into an assault course forcing me to hop, skip, jump and swivel through my day.

Of course I should be thankful for this extra exercise but mostly I find myself tiding things away and randomly standing in the middle of the room holding items I am sure I have never seen before and wondering what it could possibly be and where it should live.

But I suppose that is what relationships are all about, finding room for other people and their stuff in our lives. Moving things around so they can slot in and occupy the same space and enjoy the time spent together. So if that means my home has to burst a little from the seams and my walk around the house goes a little ‘Monty Python’ for a while that is a sacrifice I am willing to make for an old friend.

watching clouds and meeting friends

Tags

Berlin, friends, friendship, photography, travel

This week was  filled with meeting friends, both old and new and those in-between. After meeting someone new on Monday, catching up with in-betweeners on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday this weekend was spent with a friend I have know since I was eighteen.

Over the years we have been in and out of touch, never because we argued or stopped liking each other, but because we moved around (mostly me) and our lives ran on different tracks. But whenever our paths did cross or we had a long chat on the phone, we just picked up where we had left off, no issues, no shyness or awkwardness, just two old friends catching up.

After a five year gab, we met up yesterday in the Tiergarten (big park in the middle of Berlin) and sat by the lake filling each other in on our lives. Later we strolled down to the Hackischer Markt for food and wine and today we wandered around the stalls of a flea-market and had some coffee until it was time for her to leave.

After a hug and promise to stay in touch I waved her goodbye, a sense of bittersweet joy and melancholia steeping through me. I am delighted we had the chance to spend time together, while away the hours, no time constraints but also feel a little sad that it will take a while before we can do it again. The lot of someone who has friends scattered around the world.

But as I sat out in the garden and watched the clouds slowly meander past, changing their shapes, colours and some even dissolving into thin air, I felt content, happy about the variety and richness all the people I know bring to my life. Friends,  a little like the clouds above, may change and some may just disappear, but without them the landscape of our lives would be a dry wasteland.

clouds passing by

 

 

contemplating companionship

Tags

friends, friendship, love, miscellaneous, quotes, random, relationships, thoughts

On the search for a hot cup of coffee and distraction from my teaching duties I found myself in a busy coffee-shop. As I sat with a mug of cappuccino and the Irish Times in in bubble away from the world, something caught my eye and distracted me.

A stressed looking mum and two little girls had entered the shop. Laden down with bags and obviously needing a break just as much as I did, the mother ushered the two girl into a booth. The six or seven-year-olds were having a great time, giggling, heads close together, one brown one blond, pink sparkly nail-polish flashing as they excitedly moved their hands. And as I watched the display of friendship I couldn’t help but overhear the mum give out : “If you don’t calm down there’ll be no sleepover tonight!”

This shocking statement sent the two girls into a flurry of promises and pleading. However it’d didn’t escape me that they also held hands, grabbing on to one another in an attempt to stop the forced separation.

As I watched the little scene unfold before me I couldn’t help but wonder about friendship, and why it is so important. Why do we hold on to some and others flit in and out of our lives, how do we even pick them?

I have some very good friends, some I have know for years others not so long. But I have also had friends that were really important, close, for a  time but who then have disappeared from my life. No fights, no arguments, just life drifting us apart.

With Facebook poking, liking and reminding us of all the people we know, or knew,  it’s sometimes seems friendship has lost it’s value. We have hundreds of people waiting to answer our questions online, only a few finger clicks away. But the time you actually spend with someone, heads close, thoughts shared, secrets whispered has become more rare in our hectic day-to-day lives.

What makes a friendship work and last  seems to be a bit of a mystery, Greek philosophers and even Freud have written essays and letters on the topic. It seems to be a combination of proximity, time, commonality and differences, a mix of experiences and affection all stirred up into one big friendship cocktail.

Luckily for me this week is filled with three such cocktails, catch-ups over coffee and chat, sparkling moments in an otherwise busy, slightly frantic week.

A friend is one who knows you and loves you just the same

afternoon delights

Tags

food, friendship, miscellaneous, photography, photos, random, tea, women

After a busy morning of baking, cleaning and setting the table a gaggle of girlfriends arrived to my afternoon tea. With the sun streaming in though the windows, breaking on my prisms and throwing rainbows around the room, the great Ray Charles crooning from the stereo and a table laden down with homemade goodies the setting was perfect and the afternoon set to be delight filled.

ready and waiting

a beautiful gift of flowers

As the lovely ladies trickled in I served tea, coffee and pink champagne. We sat and chatted, talked about everything and nothing, laughed, joked, giggled and gasped as stories unfolded and secrets were revealed. Outside the shadows grew longer and the sun slowly sank in the sky, inside the plates emptied a little as our stomachs filled up on sugary goodness and delightful chocolatey tastes. So I lit the fire and swapped Ray for Etta James and we indulged some more.

brownies and nut cake

shortbread, cookies and mars bar biscuits

scones, perfect with whipped cream and home made jam

As I sat back and listened a question flitted through my mind: Why is it that women seem to enjoy girly chit-chat so much? As I pondered this thought it occurred to me that maybe it’s because women seem to enjoy the the telling of the story just as much as the outcome. By painting a picture, setting the scene, we can relate the emotions  we experienced and others can understand why we reacted and acted the way we did. So while men tend to prefer a “cut-to-the-chase” kind of talk, women build relationships on the spontaneous flow of a conversation. Idle chit-chat serves as a warm up, a testing of emotions before we launch into deeper feelings and thoughts. By learning what others think and feel about “non-essentials” we get a  clearer picture of who they are and how they may react on more important issues. It makes women feel safe to bare a bit more of their inner thoughts when they have built up a safety net of chit-chat and girly talk.

When the afternoon gave way to evening and my guests slowly rose to leave in drips and drabs, my heart felt full of gratitude and joy at knowing these wonderful women and being able to delight in their company. And as the warmth of their hugs lingered around me and the bunches of flowers they brought stayed behind I munched on some left over sweetness, while savouring the the memories of the afternoon delights in front of the fire with some red wine and Edith Piaf to keep me company.

another delightful bunch

 

 

 

 

 

dining out

Tags

changing trains, Dublin, friends, friendship, lots of laughs, love, luas, miscellaneous, random, switch platforms, thoughts, tram line, travel

Yesterday evening I took the Luas, the Dublin tram line, out to Tallaght, a Suburb on the outskirts of Dublin. I was on my way to have a home-cooked dinner with friends, a  girly night filled with food, talk and lots of laughs.

I have been able to read since the age of about five or six, so for most of my life being able to understand what letters mean when they are put into a certain order has been part of my daily routine. But for what ever reason I neglected to read the few letters telling everyone that the Luas I was on wasn’t going to Tallaght but was heading to Saggart, a little to the west of Tallaght and definitely not where I wanted to go.

The ride took much longer than I anticipated anyway, but when we reached the Belgard Luas stop a crackling voice muttered something about changing trains to Tallaght but between the chatter on the tram, the weird speaker noise and the not paying much attention I didn’t quite catch the gist and as the Luas moved out off the station we went right instead of left.

It didn’t take that long for me to realize that I was heading in the wrong direction, but as I wasn’t quite sure I waited for a few stops before I got out, switch platforms and return to then junction. Not a watch wearer makes me often unaware of time but I had the niggling feeling I was very late.

Lucky for me it didn’t take that long to return onto the right track and when I finally reached my destination I was rewarded with hugs, big smiles and only a hint of ridiculement. But who doesn’t like an anecdote, even if you are at the butt-end of the joke?

But the whole incident did make me wonder about how sometime in life we have to backtrack, return to a point before we get off the path we wanted to be on all along. Sometimes we are just that little bit to preoccupied with other things to really look where we are going, sometimes we don’t understand or can’t identify the hints given that we are heading in the wrong direction, and more often than not we need a few stops to admit we made a mistake.

But if we take a step out of the situation and take a few steps back we can return to what the route we wanted to take and if we are really lucky the reward makes us feel good about ourselves, hugs and smiles greeting us and making us feel welcome.

POST (traumatic stress) Syndrome

Tags

enjoyment, family, freinds, friendship, letters, love, post, post-cards, smile, stress, trauma, writing

My day started with a lovely surprise, waiting for me on the mat below my letter box sat two unexpected  packages and a card. They were sitting there patiently, waiting for me to find and retrieve them.

Like most people, I love receiving letters, parcels, cards anything that isn’t a bill and when I saw the small little pile of goodies a big grin spread across my face, my heart skipped a beat in anticipation and the day was off to a great start.

Most days I don’t have any post at all, or it’s a sad looking white envelope with a coloured logo in the corner signaling me another menacing bill has found its way into my home. Not a joyous occasion and sometimes even a little frightening, traumatic even. But because I can go days on end with the postman ignoring my lonely little letter box  I often wonder, when watching American sitcoms, how they always seem to have piles of post ready for them to flick trough. Where do all these letters come from? In the day and age of technology most people write emails and texts, so shouldn’t we be hearing their mobile phones “ping” in irregular intervals, interrupting the conversations and see them checking their “inbox” on their laptops and smartphones?

As much as I enjoy a long email or a text from a friend nothing can beat the feeling of receiving a real letter. One that someone actually took the time  to sit down and write, pen and paper in hand, and then even found a moment to wander down to the post and send it.  The fact that they bought a stamp is an additional small sign of how they value you.

Sadly writing letters is a dying art-form (along with good spelling and “popping in for a cuppa”) and I admit I am just as guilty as most. However I do take the time every now and then and send friends and family a little envelope of love or a funny card I saw that made me think of them. A little token that out of sight is not out of mind.

I also enjoy the fact that letters take all the stress out of communication, there is no expectations for you to reply at once as everyone knows letters take a few days to travel. Email and texts have an inbuilt stress factor, we are expected to answer straight away, everything is urgent, nothing can wait and so your stress-levels rise with each ping or buzz alerting you to the fact that someone, somewhere is needing an answer RIGHT NOW.

It really is unsurprising that studies have shown that as a positive psychology intervention, gratitude letters “work” 99% of the time. A gratitude letter is a hand-written note you send to someone who you want to thank or even just tell that you love them, it can be a friend, family or even a mentor or teacher. And not only do the recipients enjoy them, feel touched and treasure these letters of love but the person who writes them feels good about themselves as expressing what you feel evokes positive feelings and thoughts.

Of course many of us send postcards from trips away or the occasional greeting card to random occasions, but how many of us actually write more than the few standard sentences?  So the next time you think of a friend why not take a pen, pencil or even crayon and write down a few words of love on  a piece of paper and send it to them. After all who keeps a box full of old emails under their bed that they re-read and enjoy for many, many years?

And who knows maybe one day those bills, with the traumatic, ever-rising payment demands tucked away inside your letter box may be kept company by a letter filled of love just for you.

http://lucygracesmom.wordpress.com/2012/03/19/resurrect-the-lost-art-of-letter-writing/

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-good-life/200912/does-anyone-write-letters-anymore

Humour has it…

Tags

carpe diem, Cartharsis, child-like-self, disappointment, freud, friendship, humor, joke, laughing, stress

I was recently very disappointed with a friend of mine, or should I say ex-friend. He just chucked me out of a project without letting me know why, suddenly with no warning. I felt hurt, rejected, unloved and very annoyed. But somewhere, mixed up in all my emotions was a big, fat grin. It was as if I had known all along not to trust this person, not to believe what he said, just empty words out of an empty friendship and I was laughing at myself.
Since smiling burns a lot more calories than frowning, wrinkles from laughing are much more attractive than those from creasing your brow and I would much rather laugh than cry, I have decided to go along with humour instead of anger in this situation. Freud would call in CARTHARSIS, I just call it making the best out of a bad situation.
We all know telling a joke can diffuse any awkward situation or even break up a fight, and by using humour you can nearly introduce any uncomfortable topic into a conversation. Somehow a grin, a smile, or  a chuckle are the perfect ways to reduce stress in any event.
But why is it that humour is not always the same? Well, it seems there are several kinds: self-defeating/neurotic humor, aggressive humor, bonding humour, observational humour, self-enhancing and non confrontational humour. And I always thought a laugh was just a laugh. This multitude of sense-of-humours may explain why at times we just don’t get it, or the joke seems really not that funny, even hurtful, but it also explains why so many things are funny, even if they are completely different to each other.
It seems we learn how to express our sense of humour as kids in the family. Maybe that is why when my sister and I get together we have long belly-aching sessions of laughing till we fall off furniture, while my brother-in-law watches us in wonder. We have practiced on each other all our lives and get all the little in-jokes and quotes with no long explanations and sometimes just a raised eyebrow or look can set us off in giggles.
Psychologist say that when we are being funny, making jokes we are tapping into are child-like-self (not a far reach for me), which explains why I often feel like ten when I am sniggering behind my magazine at the guy who tripped getting off the bus. It even explains the sheer joy of slap stick comedy, is it really that funny when someone slips on a banana peal? Yes it is, ask any toddler!
So by smiling at my disappointment I am tapping into my inner child, getting rid of stress and improving my psychological health. The down side: people who laugh a lot tend to die earlier than their frowning friends as they enjoy life more and don’t take health risks as seriously. I say carpe diem and smile.