shadow and light

Tags

feelings, life, memories, opposites, photo, photography, thoughts

Trying to find the perfect words and some good ideas proved to be more than a little tricky this morning. As I sat at my desk my mind kept wandering and my eyes drifted towards the window.

There was not much to see, except for the ever changing shadow of the birdhouse. As the sun traveled across the cloud speckled sky the play of light and shadow, on my whitewashed wall, tugged at my mind.

I couldn’t help but wonder about how without light there is no shadow, two opposites that exist in harmony. A bit like emotions that we have polarised: happy and sad, brave and fearful, relaxed and stressed. Without one we don’t really understand the other – true courage comes from battling your fears, relaxation fully appreciated in the knowledge of what stress feels like and pure joy felt in the realization that unhappiness is inevitable.

Now, that clouds have stolen the shadows away, my view has become less interesting, making me wonder what life would be like in a bland concoction of even-temperedness. No highs, or lows, to make us laugh and cry – memories created from emotion filled moments no longer an option in life.

So, while ideas still elude me today, I think I will go out and see what shadows I can find and what feelings my memories of today will be made up of.

tears and tribulations

Tags

emotions, feelings, Leonardo da Vinci, quotes, tears, thoughts

Today one of my students had a bit of a cry. Overwhelmed by the stress of working, studying and running her first own home the emotions ran a little wild and trickled down her face in wet, unhappy tears.

I did my best to console but I couldn’t help but wonder about the demands this modern world puts on us all. Between working, paying the bills, shopping, cleaning, new projects, possible hobbies, friends and family we seem to have no time at all to take a breath and process.

All the ideas, thoughts, stress, anger, hurt and emotions cartwheel around inside of us, banging into each other, overturning logic and any sense of calm we may have had, often leaving no way of escape except through the tear-ducts of our eyes.

So maybe tears are just a way of making space inside of us for new trials and tribulations, allowing a moment of calm to clear up the mess and put things back into place and perspective.

Tears come from the heart and not from the brain.

Leonardo da Vinci

Project O

Tags

feelings, opinions, project O, thoughts, writing

Opinionatedman is running an opinionated project, asking people to answer a few questions and spread free opinions around. So check out his site and maybe even take a few minutes to give your very own opinion. Here is mine:

Name: Jensine

Website: https://jensinewall.wordpress.com/

Twitter: @jensinewall

Who am I?  That is a question that is way to hard to answer. But what I can say is that I am a creative, colourful person, a lady who loves to laugh and have fun. However I do have lots of opinions about lots of things and don’t shy away from an argument.  And if it turns out I was wrong, I may need a while but I will change my mind.

Where am I from and where am I now? Well I am a bit of an international cocktail. My mum is German my dad from Northern Ireland and I was born in South Africa.  As I hold a German passport but live in Dublin I think it’s save to say that I am comfortable keeping the mix alive.

Currently I live on the Northside of Dublin, in a slightly rougher area with lots of colourful people around. My tiny home is a  2.5 room cottage in which I live, work and dream. And since you sometimes see things here you’d never expect it keeps my mind open and curious.

Dublin is a place of change. Over the past 15 years or so it has been playing catch-up with the rest of Europe and the sudden changes and new influences have mixed everything up. People have had to change their points of view and some seem to struggle with the speed their world has changed in.

The current financial downfall after the surprising boom means a lot of people are struggling to make ends meet but this economical change also means that people are daring to follow their dreams and make their own destiny. After all if you can’t trust banks and politicians why not trust yourself?

When did I realize I had my own opinion? I think it must have been very early on. I’ve always been a stubborn, marched to my own beat and done thing my own way; sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worst.  I remember standing up to my Grandmother who wanted to put me down for a nap or argued with teachers if I didn’t agree. For me, no matter if it is your taste in clothes, the friends you pick, your political persuasion or sexual preference or beliefs, I believe you have a right to your own, unless it drastically affects others. After all we all live on the same planet and each of us has a right to a certain amount of space and freedom. But never forget about how your decisions affect others.

What levels of respect were practiced around you when you were a child? Since my mum is German I was taught well, from knowing how to use a fish knife and fork, how to set a table and to write thank-you notes.  Since we never had much money I lernt that it’s not what is in your wallet that makes you who you are and that wealth does not equal respect. It’s about how you treat others that reflects back on you.

How traveled are you and to what degree do you keep up with international news? I love to travel and have been to over 20 countries and I want to add many more to my list. I love seeing new cultures, meeting new people and trying new things. I do believe that the more we learn, be it in school or through experience the more we understand and can form a well-rounded opinion.

If you could share an opinion on a single international incident or topic that you either feel strongly about or that might not be known to the rest of the world what would it be? There are so many, from the financial problems to what’s happening in Syria. But I suppose one thing I really don’t get is why so many people on this planet still don’t recycle and fall prey to this materialistic world. Not that I don’t enjoy beautiful new things but my heart does beat faster when I get a good deal or can recycle something up, find a little treasure at the flea market. I hate the fact that we are drowning in plastic and that we have just so much waste.

What does the right to an opinion mean to you? Is it essential to freedom to have this right? See answer three

Is it ever right for you to be allowed an opinion while someone else is denied that same right on the same topic? No, every one is allowed an opinion and as I am a journalist I believe everyone has the right to express this opinion. However I do think freedom comes with responsibility, if you say your opinion expect others to disagree. And of course an opinion is sometimes not up for debate, for example beliefs are personal.  This doesn’t mean you can’t discuss or even argue about them, but since they are not necessarily rational but emotional they have to be approached with more caution, respect and tolerance. After all you can’t argue with feelings no matter what your opinion. However tolerance has to go both ways and some things are just wrong, like oppression of the weak, murder etc.

What does this project mean to you? How can Project O potentially enlighten or help the world? I don’t know if Project O will change the world but it may change a few points of view or give people food for thought. And since I believe in education and open discussion I am sure it will do more good than harm.

making mistakes

Tags

bad decisions, editing, feelings, Franklin P. Jones, inner monologue, making msitakes, mistakes, photography, photos, quotes, thoughts, writing

I am currently editing a friends PhD and while I do feel a little bad that I am making her pages bleed with my bright orange ink I keep finding similar if not the same mistakes. Now I may need to explain that English is not her mother tongue and what she is writing is very interesting, just a few errors that need to be resolved.

Luckily these simple grammar or structure mistakes are  mostly quick and easy to fix, unlike the missteps we make in life. Making mistakes is a big part of life and one of the ways we learn, you could say that without the occasional blooper or blunder we’d never better ourselves and reach our goals

But this made me wonder about why we keep doing the same thing over and over again, seemingly never learning from our miscalculations, bad decisions and snafus. We all have that reoccurring issue that creeps on us leaving us in a situation or position we recognise but never change. The outcome leaves us baffled as it is an old friend, an unwanted one but not a stranger, a bedfellow we would rather steal the covers from and kick off the mattress.

So why is it that we can’t learn from some of our biggest mistakes  and just let history repeat itself, a record stuck on the same track or a marble stuck on a never-ending mobious curve. The answer seems to lie in our unconscious, instead of waiting for failure to happen we design it ourselves as a situation we know is less frightening and daunting then one we don’t don’t. Basically if we know we are kissing a frog we don’t have to wait for prince Charming to let us down.

And maybe we believe that if we can break the cycle we can finally move on, deceiving ourselves into thinking we have to past some test to qualify for happiness. If we succeed at the impossible what we want is within our reach

But maybe it’s time to take a different road or use  the scissors and cut that mobious loop, rewrite our inner monologue, edit our lives and try and be aware of our unconscious. But if we can’t do that at the very least we can recognise our errors and mark it down to experience. As the wonderful journalist and humorist Franklin P. Jones once said:

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

keeping time

Tags

feelings, friends, quote, thoughts, time, time keeping, work

Time is such a weird and wonderful thing. Sometimes it just flies by, hours turning into minutes and days transforming into a weeks without you really realising it. Other times it comes to a halt, time put’s on its snail outfit and crawls by while you impatiently hop from foot to foot wanting the arms on the clock to move faster.

This week I have been struggling to keep up with time, the hours in my days seem to have halved themselves and I am certain my week only had four days. My time has been filled with friends and films, a wonderful mixture it only I didn’t need to get some work done too.

So as my to-do-list seems to be growing as my time decreases I wonder if I could somehow lock down my hours, keep my time on a short  leash. All I need to do is figure out how to pin down the minutes and lengthen the hours.

But maybe it more down to my very own time keeping skills as I do tend to get a  little sidetracked or lose interest in what I am doing. And yes, I do seem to spend some of my time procrastinating, thinking about what I should be doing instead of doing it. However this week I think the issue lies with my visitor!

After all my space and time is no longer just my own so coordinating spending time with my friend, sitting at my desk, viewing films and catching up on my six weeks absence is proving quite time consuming. But there is a new week filled with sparkling new days and hopefully long hours just around the corner and I hope that if I treat my time well it will keep!

“Time stays long enough for those who use it.“ – Leonardo Da Vinci

 

 

still haven’t found what I’m looking for

Tags

c.s.lewis, eggs, feelings, psychology, quotes, struggle, thoughts

I’ve been back in Dublin three full days and the fourth is moving along quickly. And as much as I have been loving being home and sleeping in my own bed, I still feel a little restless, unsettled.

As I lingered over my mug of tea this morning, I pondered on what it was that was making me feel so uneasy and I can’t help but wonder if it is down to the fact that everything is exactly the way it was before I left. Somehow I just haven’t found what I was looking for, whatever that may be.

I don’t know what I was expecting to happen on my trip to Berlin, but whatever it was it obviously didn’t. Now don’t get me wrong I loved every minute of my adventure and even though I had  a few moments of loneliness, a longing to share my experience with someone, overall I would say it was a successful experiment.

So why am I not content, why am I struggling to find my feet in this reality that is my world? Maybe it is because nothing has really changed, all I did was take a step to the side while the world kept moving on in the same direction. Maybe the change I was hoping for is nothing that can happen by leaving reality behind but maybe I have to leave me behind, or at least some of me, those bits of me that keep me from being and doing what I really want. Maybe what I am looking for isn’t out there but within me.

Whatever the answer may be and however long I may have to look for it, I do hope that one day I will find what I am looking for, or be found. So hopefully this inner struggle is me breaking free from my shell, freeing myself to be able to fly… or as the great C.S.Lewis put it so wonderfully:

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: It would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg, We are like eggs at present, And cannot go on indefinitely just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.

a silent tear

Tags

crying, emotions, feelings, health, mental-health, miscellaneous, random, tears, well-being

I stayed in last night, content to tidy away Christmas, put it back into it’s box. As I wrapped, packed and stowed I listened to music and drank a glass of deep red wine. But my flighty mind got distracted by hidden thoughts and forgotten memories and suddenly a silent tear fell.

I had to stop and take a moment to figure out why, without any warning, a wave of sadness had washed over me. As the tear rolled down my cheek a second followed, then a third and in a jingle-bells a steady stream of tears was escaping from my eyes.

Emotions are tricky things and while I tried to figure out what it was that I was actually feeling I discovered a plethora of loneliness, missing my dad, frustration over not achieving my goals, lost hopes and dreams. But as the tears flowed I slowly felt better and I remembered what I knew about tears.

Tears are quite wonderful drops of water as there are three different kinds: reflex, continuous and emotional. Reflex tears are the kind that clears out any little particles that may distract or obscure our view. Continuous ones are produce in an endless stream to lubricate our eyes and even nose.

Now while reflex tears are made up out of 98% of water and continuous ones contain lysozyme, an enzyme that breaks down bacterial cells, an anti-bacterial fluid that protects our eyes and nose from infections, emotional tears actually contains stress hormones.

This means that when ever we are sad,angry, stressed, afraid or any other emotional state that causes tears to well up in our eyes, we are shedding stress hormones and other toxins. In addition to this crying stimulates our endorphin (feel-good hormones) production.

Crying is good for us,  tears help us heal and allow our body to get rid of hormones that disrupt our inner equilibrium. Tears heal the heart and body and allow us to bypass depression. So while tears can’t fix a situation they help us calm down, our breathing and hearth-rate slows down when the tears subside, leaving our hearts soothed and more at peace.

A few silent tears shed late at night may have left me red-faced, snot-nosed and a little breathless but hopefully also a little bit more capable to tackle what the future holds.  But whatever may happen I wholeheartedly agree with Antonie de Saint-Exupery

It is a secret place the land of tears

More tearful information:  Biological Role of Emotional tears (NY Times), The Health Benefits of Tears (Psychology Today),

accidental absense

Tags

absense, blog, Dublin, feelings, lost, miscellaneous, photos, random, thoughts, time, typing, white rabbit, writing

Now how did that happen? My last post was way back in August and suddenly it is October. Well it started with a visit from a friend and ended with me being so caught up in the tumbleweed of my life: tossing, turning, rolling through time with no real sense of direction, purpose, shape or form.

And as the world kept spinning on it’s axis, time continued ticking, I felt a little left behind and like the white rabbit was “to late” for seemingly everything, even life itself.  So while I was trying to keep up with, I can’t remember what, I just couldn’t find a minute to sit down and write in peace, nor could I find the words I was looking for in my maze of chaos  and so the days on my calendar continued to flip over at an amazing speed and the blogesphere grew silently without me.

But I am back,hopefully more myself again, taking the challenge up I have given myself to structure my day a little better, allowing time for me, my blog and all my lovely readers who I have missed more than I realised.

So thank you for remembering me, for sending me wonderful words and loving thoughts. And with a sigh, a shrug and a quizzical look I sit and type hoping the words will be kind to me again and my thoughts will give me ideas to write, type and ponder about.

Looking for a direction, seemingly the only way is up

sunny hopes

Tags

Albert Camus, feelings, hope, Ireland, Leonard Cohen, miscellaneous, quotes, random, thoughts, weather

I believed the weather woman so in hopeful expectation I put on a light summer-dress in anticipation of the sun today, but woe is me she let me down and the skies are grey and the sun is still hiding.

As I feel the chill creep up my arms and legs I am wondering if I should give in and change out of my summer-dress or if I should hold on to hope and just put on a cardigan for now. After all there are still several hours stretching ahead of me in which the sun could come out and bright up my day and warm up my limbs.

This mundane pondering thought whether or not the weather will change made me think about hope. All those hopeful exceptions we have about our days and lives, how we can’t help but look for a glimpse of the sun in the rainiest of days or why in the darkest nights we smile up at the stars. We seem to yearn for the light, want things to turn out well, it’s a bit like Leonard Cohen said in one of his poems:

There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.

Hope really is a funny thing, unlike all other positive emotions, hope isn’t something we have when life is good, but hope is the very thing we hold on to when things are bad. Hope is the little engine that could and makes us believe in something better in spite of what reality lays out in-front of us. When fear or despair pulls us down, hope is our lifesaver that helps us bob on top of the waves and see the horizon, no matter how far away. Hope opens up our eyes, helps us see possibilities amidst the destruction and shines a light onto a hidden path. It makes us creative, inspires us and gives us that little push we need, gives us energy.

And even when we feel there is no hope somewhere within us a tiny glimmer flickers, always ready for us to fan it into a flame. Even anthropologists believe that hope is vital for survival, without it we would never dare to take a risk, we would always fear the unexpected because our logic tells us to, always calculating the worst possible scenarios. Only hope allows us to see the good and with it the future is possible, that is why humans are programmed to follow it. Like Albert Camus said:

Where there is no hope, it is incumbent on us to invent it

So with all that said I will cling to the hope of a sunny afternoon and let the goosebumps be for now, a summer-dress as a symbol of my inner undying belief of a  better future, even if it is only a few warm evening hours.

fernweh

Tags

distant place, feelings, fernweh, german word, miscellaneous, photography, random, Russia, St Petersburg, thoughts, travel, vacation

Everyone around me seems to be going on holidays, or have just been. Sadly this year I don’t have the money to fly away and enjoy an other world for a week or two, but I so long to. This feeling that has been bubbling up inside me for a while now can only be described with the the German word “Fernweh” which literally means “having an ache for a distant place”.

I would love to pack my bag and hurry away, dip my toes in waters uncharted by me, see sights my eyes have never seen before, taste new and exciting flavors, enjoy undiscovered alleys and woods, break away from my life for a little while.
But no matter how much I long, wish and crave I know I can’t make the impossible possible for now, but what I can do is relive past trips and this morning I have been wandering the streets of St.Petersburg in my mind. It was a short 4 day trip I took last year in September, making a livelong dream come true and visit the great City of Czars and Russian legends, a trip filled with awe, sun and an unforgettable time.

And in case you want to tag along as I wander down memory lane and enjoy a city filled with culture and clashing art here are  a few of the many photos I took:

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