I’ve been back in Dublin three full days and the fourth is moving along quickly. And as much as I have been loving being home and sleeping in my own bed, I still feel a little restless, unsettled.
As I lingered over my mug of tea this morning, I pondered on what it was that was making me feel so uneasy and I can’t help but wonder if it is down to the fact that everything is exactly the way it was before I left. Somehow I just haven’t found what I was looking for, whatever that may be.
I don’t know what I was expecting to happen on my trip to Berlin, but whatever it was it obviously didn’t. Now don’t get me wrong I loved every minute of my adventure and even though I had a few moments of loneliness, a longing to share my experience with someone, overall I would say it was a successful experiment.
So why am I not content, why am I struggling to find my feet in this reality that is my world? Maybe it is because nothing has really changed, all I did was take a step to the side while the world kept moving on in the same direction. Maybe the change I was hoping for is nothing that can happen by leaving reality behind but maybe I have to leave me behind, or at least some of me, those bits of me that keep me from being and doing what I really want. Maybe what I am looking for isn’t out there but within me.
Whatever the answer may be and however long I may have to look for it, I do hope that one day I will find what I am looking for, or be found. So hopefully this inner struggle is me breaking free from my shell, freeing myself to be able to fly… or as the great C.S.Lewis put it so wonderfully:
It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: It would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg, We are like eggs at present, And cannot go on indefinitely just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.